I Will Not Wait Until I'm Married

MY good friend and fellow political and social commentator Sishuwa Sishuwa gave me a courtesy call this past week. We had not being in physical contact for over a year so we had a lot of stuff to share and talk about.

We talked about politics, our country's economy, school and for the first in a very long while, we touched the subject of love and relationships. And we didn't just end there. We also explored the reasons why despite couples tying knots every weekend, marriages are getting dissolved in courts nearly every week.

Now, I know someone somewhere might be wondering what two single young adults who have never been married before could possibly know about marriage let alone why some marriages fail.

Well, it seems kind of self-righteous and arrogant to suggest that anyone who isn't married can't understand concepts like commitment, imperfection as a powerful life teacher and the value of personal space in a relationship or marriage if you wish.

I don't think the ability to understand fundamental truths about human connection has anything to do with whether you're married or not. It has to do with the state of your mind, your heart and your emotional investment in relating to yourself and other human beings.

Personally, I'm not going to wait until I'm married to understand what makes a marriage fail. Yes you read it right. I said, what makes a marriage fail.

From what I have observed, a lot of marriages fail to work because people are not really taught what causes marriages to fail in the first place. Society seem to concentrate much on what makes marriage successful.

Perhaps it's because the Originator and Designer of marriage never intended it to end in divorce. And let's face it, I doubt if there's any honest being out there who would get married with divorce in mind. Even those who sign prenuptials still hope their marriage would last forever.

However, inasmuch as it is important to know what makes marriage work, I think it is just as important to know what makes it not to work. I think couples should go through serious and intense counselling before marriage so they understand what to expect, but better yet, what not to expect in marriage.

People need to know about the tell-tale signs of a union doomed for failure. Just because two individuals have agreed to wed doesn't mean they should go ahead and tie the knot.

Most marriages out there are like forced careers. Anyone in formal employment has probably come across a workmate who told them they never liked their job and if it weren't perhaps for their parents or circumstances, they would have gone for a career of their choice.

This is the case with some of the marriages out there. There are people who are in marriages because of pressure from either family or society. People have ended up marrying partners they never truly loved just to appease their families or society.

Such marriages are bound to fail and no amount of teaching from bana chimbusa or alangizi will make it work.

Another thing why most marriages fail is the misconception in our society that marriage is for everyone.

It's only a month ago when I refuted through this paper the remarks by a named PF member of parliament  who claimed that men are useless without women.

People need to understand that marriage is not for everyone. I've met young men and women who want to "get married" and not "be married." And these people don't seem to necessarily understand that distinction.

I feel such people have no business going into marriage because anyone who choose to settle down with someone should be willing to give up some privileges.

Honestly, why should a married man or woman befriend strange people of the opposite sex on social networks like Facebook?

On the other hand, I feel our society hasn't been kind or rather fair to people who choose not to marry if their reasons are anything but religious.

We should accept the reality that there are people out there who just want to lead a footloose and fancy-free type of life.

This reminds me of a sad story that was reported in the media a few years ago. A man in Nakonde killed himself after he failed to reconcile or rather tame his estranged wife. Apparently the two met in a bar and later got married. However, his wife would always go clubbing whenever he was out of town.

Today, the woman who has returned to her home town on the Copperbelt has never remarried but still patronise bars. The bemba say uwakalema takaleka. It's folly for anyone to go into a union with someone who has serious behavioural and social flaws.

I'm aware that nobody is perfect, but it is foolish for a woman to marry a man she knows is a womaniser and expect him to change once they get married.

The other reason I feel divorce cases are quite common nowadays is that there is no stigma associated with divorce like there used to be back in the day. So people don't value marriage as much, in my opinion. It's something fun to be used for awhile and then thrown away when they feel it has stopped working.

The older folks had a lot more respect for the institution of marriage. A ton of middle aged couples today get married and then start divorce proceedings at the first sight of hardship in their marriage.

Furthermore, some people go into marriage expecting perfection and have unrealistic expectations. There are people who think that after 10 plus years, they are gonna have that fuzzy feeling that they had when they first got married. That isn't the reality.

High expectations in marriage only lead to great disappointment,  frustration and disillusionment.

Marriage is not a wedding. It's not sunshine and lollipops. It's not a 50/50 but 100/100 affair.

Marriage is not we watch in Hollywood movies or read about in silly novelettes.

Marriage isn't supposed to be a fairy tale. It's a deeper commitment from "dating". It takes hard work. It's not giving up. It's fixing things when they bend, before they break. It's understanding that people do change but you can change and grow with them.

People need to understand that in marriage there will be days and moments when you will hit the point of not wanting to be around each other. But instead of giving up or resign in frustration, you fight hard to make it work.

Marriage is about understanding, communication, being loyal and loving your spouse and accepting the person they are and not what you think or feel they should be.

Marriage is not about sharing all things in common or having to like all the same things. You can be a book/intellectual geek and your spouse a video game/comic.

And marriage shouldn't be like what my friend Sishuwa referred to as a colony where one partner colonises the other.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those liberals who think a woman can take the role of a man in a holy matrimony. I'm an old-fashioned guy who still believe that a man should be the provider, protector, leader and teacher in a marriage.

However, if there's no room for silliness and being yourself-ness, then something isn't right.

Marriage is not for the faint-hearted or easily offended. As humans, we can't be at our best behaviour all the time. No one is immune from making silly mistakes. But there should always be mutual respect between a man and his wife even in such times.

I remember the days when I was still on facebook reading angry updates from married men and woman that seemed to be targeted at their better half. It's not only inappropriate but quite childish to vent one's marital frustrations on social media. As as the late great PK Chishala nicely put it in his song "Ichupo Ninsansa", marriage is a private affair.

I don't subscribe to the notion that marriage is "shipikisha club" because if you nurture love delicately, through all its faults and rarity, it can be a wonderful experience of your lifetime.

With the right person by your side and someone you truly love, divorce can never be an option .

Love Goes Beyond Valentine's Day

IT has been said that there is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly as love.

Pardon my cynical statement on a day like this one but I was reading an article earlier this week on the Internet about a woman in New York who, just in time for Valentine's Day, has put up posters in subway cars looking for a man she fell for while riding the A line toward Brooklyn in November.

According to reports, this lady, who is a performance artist from Chile living in Manhattan, saw this man in the subway and liked him but before she could give him her email address and her art Web page, she lost him when more people got on the subway car.

This story reminds me of an episode of the US sitcom How I Met Your Mother titled "Desperation Day". One of the characters,  Barney, explained the story of Desperation Day, the day before Valentine's Day-that single women find themselves desperate and easy to hook up with on the eve of Valentine's Day.

Now, I will readily admit that I have no experience to assume the role of a life coach here. However, I don't think the ability to understand fundamental truths about human connection has anything to do with whether you're Dr Phil or Sis Dolly.

Being in a relationship is a great way for people to discover new things about themselves and develop better interpersonal skills. But should we rush into a relationship just because we don't want to be left out on Valentine's?

Rushing into anything especially a love relationship is never a good idea, even if it's love at first sight.

Perhaps I'm being old fashioned here but I'm not ashamed to say I still believe in that wonderful art of courting and speaking to somebody and learning to be friends before anything else happens.

With that said, I'm also very much aware of the fact that there are no standards that work with all people, every time, when it comes to love and relationships.

But as one blogger turned hit author Mandy Hale who is affectionately known around the world as “The Single Woman” correctly observed, "until you get comfortable with being alone, you'll never know if you're choosing someone out of love or loneliness."

Of course no one can deny that life is better lived together, but we should enter a relationship being happy and never bestow such huge responsibility on someone else. It is no one's  responsibility to make us happy. Happiness is one door that can only be opened from inside.

Today, many are stuck in un-loving relationships for fear of being alone. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. And you don't have to be with someone to enjoy Valentine's Day.  Really, one can be a whole number too. Let us learn to enjoy our company.

And if Valentine's Day is about love, are we not to remind ourselves that love is primarily about giving and not receiving? God reminds us of this cardinal lesson in John 3:16. I don't have to quote that verse as most of us can recite it with ease.

Congratulations to those who will spend today with someone truly special. Also, it should go without saying that the way you and your partner treat each other throughout the year makes difference to your enjoyment of Valentine's Day.

Sending texts, taking strolls, dining together, holding hands, hugging, kissing and sharing gifts should not only be displayed on Valentine's Day.

True love shows up 365 days a year and not just on February 14th.

Wishing a great and happy Valentine's Day to everyone.

Farewell Madiba, Pride Of Africa!

SUNDAY December 15, 2013 marked the end of South Africa's first black president Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela's final journey on earth as he was finally put to rest at his ancestral home in Qunu, Eastern Cape.

Though I never had a chance of meeting Tata Madiba in person, I will forever cherish my "Mandela Moment" when me and a couple of friends drove past his residence in Houghton, Johannesburg on January 1st this year.
Just merely being in the same space as him felt so philosophical. That's how impactiful Madiba's life was.

Before I say anything, I must mention that I was deeply overwhelmed  to see our own 89-year-old KK jog on the podium on his way to deliver a tribute to his fallen comrade.

We say siyabonga to the people of South Africa for recognizing the tireless efforts the great KK played during the day of their struggle .

I feel everything that is there to say about this great son of Africa has been said.  But, however clichéd this may sound, Mandela was simply an epitome of ubuntu. Mandela personified the saying, "I am because we are."

Mandela was an icon and no doubt a great leader sent from Heaven up above. He fought against racism and domination of one race at the expense others. He lived according to his ideals, forgiving and building a multiracial society. He rose above human propensity of vengeance.

Quoting the words of Comrade KK in his remarkable speech at Mandela's burial, "Madiba showed us that white, black, yellow or brown, we're all God's children, to come together and work together. Love one another, regardless of colour or religion."

My prayer is that our world leaders, especially those from our of continent, will emulate his exemplary life.

To the fallen global icon I say, you came, you saw and you conquered.  May your successors honour your memory with the same values and highest standards of governance

Hamba kahle tata Madida. Yours was a life worth emulating and no doubt the sun shall never set on so glorious a human achievement .

Good bye for now Tata Madiba. Your deeds and legacy shall always have space in our minds and hearts forever. May your soul rest in everlasting peace! AMEN!

Fake Faith Healers Should Be Prosecuted

THOUGH this is rarely reported, some young and old HIV patients are giving up their medicine after being told by some shady Pentecostal Church pastors to rely on faith in God instead. Unfortunately, many have lost their lives by following this misguided path.

I have personally lost a friend who was ill-advised by their pastor to stop taking their ARVs.

I really feel sorry for these victims.  And it’s easy to think they should have known better, but religion and religious leaders can have powerful control over people, especially when they’re desperate. It’s clear these churches are taking advantage of that desperation.

If indeed there is a conflict between divine healing and medicine then why is it that some people, despite the apparent exercise of faith, do not get healed?

I know someone will say they didn't truly believe. Well, if that is the case then some of the prophets wouldn't have performed some of the miracles recorded in The Holy Book.

Take for instance the story of Elisha and the Shunammite Woman. In 2 Kings 4: 16-17 The Bible reads, "And he said, About this season, according to the time of life, thou shalt embrace a son. And she said, Nay, my lord, thou man of God, do not lie unto thine handmaid. And the woman conceived, and bare a son at that season that Elisha had said unto her, according to the time of life." (KJV).

My question is, how was this Shunammite woman able to conceive though she did not believe in what Elisha prophesied to her?

I can also cite the story of Jesus' friend, Lazarous. Lazarous' sisters, Mary and Martha, made no secret of the fact that they did not believe their brother who had been dead for four days could be brought to life by Jesus. It is actually their unbelief that made Christ weep as recorded in John 11:35.
Lazarous was dead and since the dead know nothing as Ecclesiastes 9:5 confirms, his faith did not count in this instance, yet our Lord was able to resurrect him.

When Christ met a widow at Nain on her way to bury her only son, He never asked her whether she believed in Him or in resurrection. For all we know, this woman could have been a non-believer yet Christ had compassion on her and brought her son back to life.

The point I'm trying to make here is that, if faith is a prerequisite or rather precondition for one to receive a miracle or get healed, then Christ would not have healed the demoniac of Gadarene  who we read in Luke.8:26-39 was healed without asking before he was capable of expressing his faith.

When Peter cut of the ear of Malchus as recorded in Luke 2:50-51 and John 18:10 , Jesus healed him without any faith present.

Of the 35 miracles recorded in the Gospel accounts the faith of the recipient is exercise in only 10 of the accounts.

It's my view that it's very wrong for faith leaders to actively encourage their congregations to stop taking their medication.

Moreover, if medicine was in conflict with divine healing the Apostle Paul’s medical advice to his disciple Timothy, “use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments,” would not have found its way in The Bible.

I strongly feel there should be legal repercussions for people who advise a course of action that leads to harm.

Anyone who recommends and encourages a harmful course of behaviour for a sick person should be held responsible for the outcome of their actions. Particularly if the person making this sort of recommendation wears a mantel of social authority.

Nelson Mandela: The Great Unifier

I SPENT much of Tuesday December 10, 2013 glued to the television screen witnessing history been made as I followed the live coverage of Nelson Mandela's memorial service, at FNB Stadium in South Africa.

Whoever witnessed that funeral in Soweto, attended by world leaders from almost 100 countries, royalty and celebrities, will have to die before they can forget. I doubt our generation
will ever witness another Nelson Mandela let alone a funeral of that magnitude.

Madiba was indeed an epitome of humility and selflessness. He was simply a giant whose values and beliefs surpassed the expectations of the entire human race. His magical and peace power has drawn the human race and global leaders together even in death.

His amazing presence captured everyone who came into contact with him. But perhaps the most amazing thing is that, even in death, this great son of Africa remains a uniting factor.

US President Barack Obama celebrated the life of Nelson Mandela with his own gesture of reconciliation at Tuesday's memorial ceremony in Soweto: a historic handshake with Cuban leader Raul Castro.

It was the first such greeting in public involving a president of the United States since the Cuban revolution, although Bill Clinton shook hands in private with Raul's brother Fidel during a closed-door United Nations lunch in 2000.

We can only hope that the unprecedented gesture between the leaders of two nations which have been at loggerheads for more than half a century is the first step to restore diplomatic relations between the two countries.

If only our leaders-especially those from our continent-will not only acknowledge his legacy but emulate him. Africa need leaders like Mandela who had the courage to stand up for the masses against a more powerful and ruthless regime.

And despite witnessing the slaughter of his people during the apartheid era, Mandela emerged from prison preaching the gospel of love, reconciliation and a united country.

His selflessness fashion of leadership should remain embedded in the hearts of those aspiring to serve their respective nations. Africans should stop apportioning blame on western leaders because each and every individual can still push for a positive change. Mandela proved that.

It has been said that living a life without purpose makes death a tragedy but in this case, the life lived by Mandela is a great blessing to Africa and the world in a whole.

Madiba's cross over to the other side remains a colossal loss to the entire continent of Africa and world over.

Indeed there will never be another Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, but his was a life worth imitating. We can still apply the lessons of his struggle for freedom to our lives and those around us. We can continue in his spirit and legacy.

Rest in peace Tata Madiba and may your spirit continue to live in all of us and those who will come after us.

A Nation's Healer Is Dead

AT EXACTLY 10 minutes to midnight on Thursday December 5, 2013, a Zambian friend based in South Africa sent me a text via WhatsApp with the news that Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela, the former South African president whose stubborn defiance survived 27 years in prison and led to the dismantling of the country's racist and brutal apartheid system had succumbed to death.

Though I was already in bed and about to fall asleep, I quickly got up and began to follow the breaking news both on television and the Internet. And almost every news channel, website and blog had the news of Mandela's death.

Thursday night turned out to be one of those rare moments when, with a dramatic pause, the world mourns the death of a brilliant human being. It was one of those moments you never forget where you were when you first heard the news.

One of the giants of the 20th century, Mandela's career was marked not only by his heroic resistance to racism, but also by his poised and soft-spoken demeanor.  

Mandela is no doubt among the greatest people in the 20th century to have fought for justice and peace. 
He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1993 for his leadership in ending apartheid without violence, and later became a global statesman who inspired millions of people around the world. 

The death of Nelson Mandela may be the most significant one to occur in our lifetime. We know that a world without him can only hope to be as good as a world with Mandela in it.

With the death of Mandela, Africa has lost one of its few decent leaders. With the passing of Mandela, the world has lost a leader who advanced the cause of equality and human rights, who overcame a history of oppression in South Africa to expand the reach of freedom worldwide. 

Mandela was many things to different people: a boxer, a student, a leader, a husband, a father, a social icon, a man who helped to heal a nation. 

Mandela has inspired all of us with his leadership and his humility. Our lives have been immeasurably enriched by his example. We mourn his passing and pause in gratitude; privileged by the mark he has left on our lives.

He touched the world with his integrity, his resolve and his passion for reconciliation. His passion to do good was infectious. 

May we continue to be a teacher for generations to come. His legacy will be unforgettable. The world has lost a great part of its morality and conscious with his passing away.

May the life of Nelson Mandela long stand as the ultimate tribute to the triumph of hope. May his story long remind us to always look forward with optimism to the future. May it be a comfort to his family, to his friends and loved ones, to the people of South Africa that so many mourn the loss of this extraordinary man and incredible leader at this sad time.

May we all mourn this loss, and try to live up to his example, how to fight for our beliefs and lead a life of dignity.

Mandela brought a message for all of us. May we continue to learn from his legacy for all of humanity . 

I personally count it a blessing to have lived in the same time with this global icon. A true hero like this doesn't come along quite too often.

Mandela is among the few who can claim to have left the world a better place than he found it. 

To the Great Madiba we say, Hamba Kahle Tata! You fought a good fight from the beginning to the end. And if ever there was a human that deserved to rest in Heavenly peace, it is you Tata Madiba.  

Thank you, Tata Mandela. May your spirit live on in the hope and actions of many who have learned from you. May your servitude, dedication, integrity live forever. May your dreams for a better and all-inclusive South Africa come true for all its people whether black, white, brown or yellow.

Yes, Nelson Madiba Mandela  is no longer walking among us, but the Long Walk To Freedom will and must continue.

“Death is something inevitable. When a man has done what he considers to be his duty to his people and his country, he can rest in peace. I believe I have made that effort and that is, therefore, why I will sleep for the eternity.” ~ Nelson Mandela 1996

DISTRACTED DRIVING

AS technology advances and people have all these fancy gadgets that are convenient and make multitasking supposedly easier, this has in turn increased cases of distracted driving on our roads.

Over the years I've witnessed  distracted driving to scare the daylights out of me.

In this so called information age, it's not unusual to see folks busy chatting on the phone, texting, watching tv, looking at their iPads or laptops, taking notes, eating, breast feeding, reading a newspaper or paperback book while driving.

I once saw a lady with her knee against the steering, smoking a cigarette while applying mascara, using her rearview mirror as her make-up mirror. Worst still, I've even witnessed a woman giving head to a driver on a highway.

People need to learn that some things are meant to be done in private!

A few years back, we were on the Great East Road one morning  and there was a car swerving all over the road. I told my uncle to get around it as soon as he could because the driver was going to kill someone. We got beside him and I looked over: it was a doctor in his white coat, looking at a medical record! I guess even the intelligent are stupid sometimes.

And just this past week my neighbor gave me a ride into town. He had all his family with him and not a single one of them were paying attention to the surroundings.

He was texting, the wife was on facebook, kids were either playing video games or with their phones. I had that "Final Destination" feeling creep all over me.

It is said that the most important part of a car is the nut behind the wheel because half the time, it's not the nut in wheel but the nut behind the wheel that cause accidents.

Distracted driving is a rising demon in our society that need to be uprooted.  The act of driving while engaged in other activities is unsafe, irresponsible and in a split second, its consequences can be devastating.